Saturday, March 08, 2014

I didn't know it was domestic violence - guest blogger

Inhale, exhale. My heart is pounding in my chest because I'm writing this so please bear with me. I decide to write this guest blog to tell my story. I'm not going to name drop because some family members still refuse to accept what they saw as abuse.

No one told me that what happened was domestic violence. I had a mom, dad, brother and a sister that I love very much. In many ways, I am still a scared child. It's hard for me to separate the love from the hurt. Our parents are gone now but my siblings and I are all in recovery in each of our own ways.

Growing up, the school taught me about good-touch, bad-touch. They said it was abuse if someone touched me where my swimsuit would cover it up. Nobody said anything about somebody touching you where jeans and a shirt would cover up.

That's what they taught me at school. The touch I learned at home was different. I call it now the shut-up touch. Whenever one of us came to close to talking about 'family business' our parents had a way of shutting us up. Pinches, hits, slaps... this is what I knew.

My friends families were the same way. They didn't say so but you could hear their parents yelling. Across the street, down the street, behind my house, it was all the same. My parents yelled and hit each other. Their parents yelled and hit each other. We went around pretending that it wasn't happening or that it wasn't any big deal. It was like we were in a movie or something.

I'm changing all that now. It's taken me two bad relationships and a million dollars worth of therapy to get where I can write about it. When the therapist first said it was domestic violence it blew me away. I was like um okay whatever etc. I looked it up online and had some more sessions with her. Damn. It did fit. :(

When you're dealing with crap there's nobody that can tell you what to do. You have to be ready to deal on your own time. There is no fairy godmother that's going to do it for you.

Things are okay now though. I've come through it and learned a lot. I'm not being robbed of my self-esteem hourly and for a couple years life has been really good. I'm with a good man who loves me now. He wants what's best for me and I want the same thing for him. My husband's family was the same so we both know what violence does. We talk and when we disagree we get some space and talk when the dust settles.

Our daughter will be two and she has a happy place to call home because we are making it work. There isn't any more domestic violence in my home anymore. I guess that's what I wanted to say.


Originally published 9/24/12

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